Admittance

This perfect human being has captured my whole soul. He is a piece of my heart that isn't inside me. I can't express the love I feel for him. He literally is a piece of me. I'm not the most motivated person in the world. I just go day by day. I live my life, and I love it, but I'm just me. My son, makes me want to be my best-self. He has changed me in so many ways. For better, he IS my motivation to change, to be better. 

I am open, or so I thought. My friends and fam, all describe be as open. So I must be open right? No... I'm not. Lately, I have been figuring out who I am. I am not happy, and I am angry, a lot. I wanted to know why. After some soul searching, I figured out, it's because I am not truthful. I don't lie... But I am not honest with myself about who I am, about what makes me me.

I am Aubrie Nixon Harding and I am 22 years old. I struggle with mental illness. I have bipolar disorder. My mom, bless her heart, will tell you (me) "no you were never diagnosed properly" but do you ever just "know" something? I've been hiding that monster inside of me for so long. Keeping it contained is so hard, and I'm tired. That is why I am so irritable all the time, and angry, and not happy. I can't be. I am so busy fighting the monster inside that I don't embrace it.

Fighting makes you tired, it does nothing but make things worse. I am getting the help I need by admitting to myself what I have. 

Bipolar Disorder doesn't define me. In fact, it's not me. It is inside of me, an makes me who I am, but I am not my disorder. I am not my illness. 

I am Aubrie, I am 22 years old, and I am getting the help I need so I can be happy.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in mental illness. Getting help from a friend, a therapist, or medication is not shameful. It's powerful. It means you know you have things to work on, and you are willing to work on it. It's a beautiful thing. 

Silver Linings Playbook is one of my favorite movies. It shows the ugly side, and the beautiful side of mental illness. What people go through. How they suffer, how they overcome. If you ever get a chance, this movie is amazing.

I am ready to be honest with myself, this is step one. Admitting, and accepting.

I am doing other things to help me overcome, and to help keep the monster inside me under control. I am taking it day by day, and my life is getting so much better. A weight has been lifted, and I can breathe. 

Callan is so supportive and loving, I don't keep what I would do without him. And of course my Archer baby. I love my family!